I’ve been thinking about my history with running and therapy a lot lately as I try to process the delay in a complaint I made against a therapist and formulate my goals for running in 2022 - ten years after my season of PRs (marathon 3:36:35, half marathon 1:40:05, ten miler 1:12:36).

Reviewing the therapy notes I went back to see if there were any clues about how my self-esteem and mental health was affected by running. I remember never being satistied with my running accomplishments and feeling like a fraud even as I became more serious about training and identified as a runner and that was demonstrated in the records.

The word “giddy” only showed up once in 1000+ sessions and it was in reference to the 2012 Cherry Blossom Ten Mile Run. It was April Fool’s Day. When I saw a finish time of 1:12:36 I almost thought it was a prank. How did I run 10 miles at a pace of 7:15/mile?!? I remember pushing myself during the race so that I could have a time comparable to a local competitor, but I don’t remember feeling like I was going to die from pushing myself. I don’t recall pain or anything bad, I just remember my perservance and pushing forward with determination in every step.

I knew before I even started running the 2022 Cherry Blossom Ten Mile Run that I’d have my slowest time ever, but I was so grateful to be there with my twin sister. We volunteered the day before at the kids race and had so much fun meeting people and giving back to the sport.

I don’t think i’ve laughed as much as I did when my twin and I started filming me dressed up in my Coney costume the day after the race. We saw a bunch of construction workers and cones near a crosswalk on the Mall and I wanted to get footage of me walking towards the Capitol. As I walked, one of the construction workers stopped me to ask, “Are you a candy corn or a traffic cone?” With pure glee and giddiness I answered, “I’m a traffic cone!” He and his buddies started to laugh and he said, “We’re going to need you to come over here. We’re short one cone.” I started to follow him and at that point the video ended because Malinda was laughing so hard.

For 14 years, I helped the Charlottesville Track Club (CTC) with graphic and web design, marketing, and event management. For 13 years, I supported five race directors (Alice Wiggins, Mike Inge, Maria Bell, Deb Gilbert, and Nicole Brimer) with the Charlottesville Ten Miler (CTM). I’m grateful and honored to have worked closely with people who valued my ideas, creativity, dedication, passion, and time.

There aren’t enough words to describe how much it meant to me to see my “Twins Run in Our Family” logo on the backs of fellow runners as I ran this iconic race. I loved seeing the new CTC logo I designed (last year) at the top of the shirt, too!

I’ve been struggling emotionally and financially since I lost my job of 22+ years in September 2020. During the 50+ interviews I’ve had since turning 50, I've always spoken about my volunteer work in the Charlottesville running community as my proudest accomplishment. 

During COVID-19 I devoted my time and talents to help Mark Lorenzoni promote the Charlottesville Track Club’s modified events during the pandemic and I especially enjoyed marketing and managing the C-VILLE-athon, Race Fest, Marathon and Half Marathon Training Program, Winter Training Program, the All-Comers Summer Track Meets, and Bruce Barnes Mile. 

During this time a conflict arose between me and various CTC board members. Unfortunately, in spite of my best efforts, this conflict could not be resolved. Therefore, I made the extremely difficult decision to step away from the CTC in September 2021. 

Although I had to separate myself from the CTC, I knew I wanted to help CTM race director, Nicole Brimer, with the 2022 Charlottesville Ten Miler. It was very important for me to end my tenure with the CTC on a high note. So, I made a variety of new designs for a special bib, stickers, and volunteer shirt as well other logos that I never got to use. 

I wore my rainbow sparkle skirt and formerly white running shoes that I colored with a rainbow of sharpies. So many spectators and fellow runners complimented me on my tutu and I appreciated the encouragement as I was rather untrained for this endeavor! 

The best part of the race was seeing my identical twin sister cheering in her inflatable T-Rex costume at mile 4 and the finish line. Being able to finally share this historic event with her made a difficult day of saying goodbye to this race a bit easier. 

Thank you to Nicole for allowing me do what I love and including me as a valuable contributor to this spring tradition in Charlottesville.

I'm not sure who will be the next director for the Charlottesville Ten Miler and what changes will be made under new leadership. I know that my twin and I will always smile when we see someone wearing a shirt from one of the years I helped support the race, especially the shirts with my designs (2009, 2010, 2011, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020/21, and 2022).

All the right songs came up at the right moment .....
​https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/final-ten-miler/pl.u-b3b8oGGHyMLRGd

Postscript: To add insult after injury, I reached out to the therapist’s office when I realized encounter notes from 2009-2011 were missing without any explanation. I received an email message and letter in the mail that stunned and terrified me. I responded electronically and received a less ominous email reply. These two exchanges pretty much sum it all up. :(

I started this poem "Wellness Check" as a somewhat tongue in cheek reaction to a story I read about someone who was held captive and her family knew something was wrong because she wasn't sharing her Wordle score. I started to think about all the other things I could do or not do that would indicate I was in trouble. It took me all day to write and rewrite this and I'm still not 💯 satisfied but I'm so proud of myself. I haven't spent this long on creative writing since I earned my MFA from GMU in 2004. I loved reconnecting to that part of myself enjoys hunting for the right words to solve the puzzle 🧩 in my mind.

#BeThe1To take a few minutes and reach out to someone you care about.
​#wellness#creativewriting #wordle #mentalheathmatters #suicideprevention

A related poem that I wrote when I was in college in 1993.

Another poem about identity from 2000.

​To: Ani DiFranco
From: Leah Connor
Re: Thank you.

Hi! I’m 50 years old and I haven’t written a fan letter to a musician since I was probably 15, but I need to personally reach out to say thank you, Ani. 
​
Long story short, I had a very toxic and damaging relationship with a psychologist from 2007-2020 and when I requested an appointment with him during the throes of COVID-19 he offered me dates, until I insisted on a tele-therapy appointment and then replied, “I’ll pass.”  I reported him to the Department of Health Professionals 40 days later. There was an investigation, I provided evidence, and the report was submitted in December 2020. It’s now February 2022 without any resolution and it’s been unbearable to wait.

I have an MFA in creative writing (2004), but I haven’t written much in the past 20 years. The only thing that helped me get through the roughest days lately was screaming out the chorus of “Untouchable Face.” That’s when I thought, wow I should remake this song especially for me. So I did and this is what I came up with so far:​

I know I’m not a saint 
I analyze and criticize 
with remorse, without restraint
I know I’m not a fake 
Making enemies and allies
Reliving my mistake
I can’t take back my complaint​

​So fuck you
… and this unresolvable case
Fuck you
…for destroying a safe space
And who am I?
​to dare call you out on your shit
I said who am I?
to win against a narcissist

I sat on your couch
Vocalizing my doubts
Wondering what it would be like to trust
Build intimacy without touch or lust

​Except fuck you
… for denying my grace
Fuck you
…for cheating in this race
And who am I?
that I should want closure
I said who am I?
To lose my composure

Early on, I dared to complain
at sessions starting late
the stolen minutes 
proved you didn’t care (enough) 
with so much at stake 
If I only knew how to wait
when staying gets tough
​
Fuck you
…for the memories I can’t erase
Fuck you
…for making me feel out of place
And who am I?
To ask for boundaries and insist
I said who am I?
To deserve “I’ll pass” when you’re finished

Couldn’t learn my lessons
Couldn’t change my fate
Couldn’t hide the stuff
That finally made me break​

If only you kicked me out
when I wanted to leave
and needed a reprieve
when I couldn’t believe
I’d find water in a drought

And who am I?
If my complaint is dismissed
I said who am I?
If I don’t want to exist
I said who am I?
No more strength to resist
Who am I?
Tired from fighting like a darwinist
Who am I?
To blame myself for having caused all this

I am going to write the verses, but that’s going to take a bit more time. Until then, I’ll be singing Fuck you on repeat. :) 

Written in May 2021. See current update on 2.22.22.
From DHP on 2/7/22. Complaint was submitted 9/7/20
"We have been in consistent contact with you but we are not able to continue to answer a multitude of emails and still have time to get cases processed.  Please be patient and we will be in touch with you soon."

I am not a quitter. Musical instruments are about the only thing I’ve given up on, having failed miserably at the piano, then flute, the guitar, and drums.

Although one of my shining moments in high school was playing the drums in a neighboring Catholic High School’s rendition of “Camelot.” My one and only “professional” musical gig. 

Persistence and grit have helped me become a successful long distance runner, but that inability to take a break when necessary has also left me injured and broken. (Literally! My sesamoids!) 
​
Knowing when to press pause, stop, or reset is as crucial as having the desire and guts to start. That’s why I only gave medals to runners who dropped out of the Rivanna Greenbelt Marathon rather than those who finished. I knew how difficult it was to DNF because I have only done it twice in 13 years of running 100s of races. Ending one race before the finish line does not mean you’ve entirely given up on your goals. It just means you’ve delayed trying to achieve one on a particular day when the odds were not in your favor in hopes of being more likely to achieve it in the future on a better day. 

I’ve found every journey — it’s beginning, ending, and everything in between — yields it’s best results when there are clear boundaries and guidelines. I always read the event rules, employee handbook, and informed consent. I am determined to follow my own personal moral code. Breaking the rules might not always get you disqualified, hurt, or fired, but there is no inherent victory in living in a world where you’re beyond reproach or accountability. 

I have never been one to decidedly and permanently end any personal relationship… to ignore or erase someone willingly from my life. I will always leave the door open. I’m not resistant to apologizing myself when I’m wrong and I will always graciously accept an apology from anyone no matter how long it takes. 

My husband is self-described as aloof, but he makes me laugh which, to me, is essential for any healthy relationship. I might not always get the emotional support I want or need, but we have a bond that’s lasted since we first met in 1994. When we moved to Charlottesville I had no local friends and yearned for connection so I chose therapy as an option to guide me on a path to personal growth and positive change. I hoped I could improve my self-esteem and develop the skills to comfort and care for myself. 
​
It’s been difficult for me to admit and thoroughly process, but I had a very unhealthy and emotionally damaging relationship with a therapist that began on September 22, 2006 and permanently ended on July 29, 2020. I didn’t officially quit or terminate the therapy. I had tried numerous times since 2007, with varying degrees of success. (Success being the length of time that lapsed between sessions, the longer it was, the more successful.) 
I last saw him in-person for a session on February 19, 2018, but there were a few random encounters and emails before my final attempt to schedule an appointment in July 2020 when I was struggling with changes relating to the pandemic as well as work. We emailed a bit back and forth with a joke and emojis. He offered me a couple potential times to meet, but when I made a thoughtful and detailed request for a virtual session rather than in-person because of COVID-19 concerns and my insurance coverage, his harshly dismissive, insensitive, two-word response:
 
“I’ll pass.”

It took me 40 days to process those two words and to respond to him, but before I did, I finally filed a complaint with the Enforcement Division of the Department of Health Professions about his abusive behavior, specifically the blurred boundaries, dual relationships, billing issues, and frequent outbursts of anger. 
​
There are doors that are closed, others locked, doors we can easily open, others we gladly shut on our own, and then there are doors that hit us on the way out. I had a door hit me as I left my therapist’s office after a heated political argument (yes, so many things wrong with that scenario). It scared me and scarred me emotionally, but even that didn’t keep me from trying to salvage the relationship one more time rather than officially quit. 

I’ve found that I’m most frustrated when there’s no clarity or when I feel like I’m being ignored and that’s been my experience as I’ve waited the 9 months since this investigation began. Without any final resolution, I’m still ruminating and analyzing, trying to find the meaning in past words, actions or inactions, to ascribe motives. 

If I think about what harmed me the most — it wasn’t the inappropriate out of session communications, the half of a red velvet cake he gave me on my 40th birthday, his oversharing of personal, family, and health information, the unwarranted criticisms of me or my husband, or the dependency on him he fostered with the frequency of appointments and no clear treatment plan -- it was the anger, the rage, especially when I dared to question his own intentions, behaviors, or business practices. 

Almost everyone who’s been to therapy has a hidden desire to feel special or unique, to want to know what the therapist really thinks about them, to be liked, to be cared for, and maybe even to blur those boundaries in an effort to redefine the relationship. Trust me: those boundaries are there to protect you, the client. If a therapist doesn’t respect them, run away and, if you can, report it to the licensing board.
​
My dysfunctional therapy was a secret for a long time, but when I first described the dynamics of the relationship to another therapist who I had been seeing with my husband for couples therapy, he asked if I had seen the movie “Gaslight.” The term gaslighting has become more popular over the past 5 years, but back in 2007 it was a foreign concept to me. I quickly googled it and learned how appropriately it applied to my situation.

I have an intuition and sense about people that’s very good, but I started doubting my own gut feelings that something was very wrong in this case. I shouldn’t have. I know now I never was misreading the situation, that this therapist acted inappropriately and unprofessionally and for whatever reason we had a “stormy relationship” that I couldn’t quit and he would never end by referring me to another professional.

Yes, I have issues and I’m probably the first to willingly admit all of my faults, my anxieties and indignations, but I’ve come to learn that it wasn’t just me who was treated in a harmful manner by this therapist. I found quite a number of online reviews that are frighteningly similar to my own experience. 

I feel a bit guilty, but it’s actually comforting to find out that he was explosive, rude, disrespectful, threatening, mean, controlling, and unprofessional with other clients, it wasn’t just me. 

I always made excuses for his aggressive outbursts -- I deserved it, I’m difficult,

I have a hard time letting good things in so when he did say nice things about me it was hard to believe it, so in a way I misinterpreted his anger as intimacy that I could not reject out of hand. 

But if I’m honest, I probably would be rather upset to find out that he lied to me when he said I knew more about his personal life than anyone else he ever worked with and I will definitely need to address that seriously messed-up feeling with a future counselor. 

Having a therapist repeatedly violate boundaries should NOT feel like a badge of honor, but it was one of the reasons I never reported him. Until now, I couldn’t even consider that I might be just one of many victims because I didn’t want to even see myself as a victim. I completely rationalized the experience, blamed myself for pushing and testing him, and for asking all the questions that he freely answered. 

If it wasn’t just me who he took advantage of and used for his own personal and financial needs would that make me even more pathetic for convincing myself to keep trying to make it work and never quitting despite so much misery and so many red flags?

Although I didn’t want to know the answer, I could no longer live with myself if I didn’t at least try to do something to prevent this from happening to anyone else. I have to hope that my complaint could possibly protect other potential clients from his insensitivity and anger.

Even though waiting for resolution is excruciating, I immediately felt empowered when I finally took action and had conversations with the investigator and my insurance company. Every time someone listened to my story and told me this wasn’t right or it wasn’t uncommon, I felt somewhat validated. 

It’s probably impossible for me to get all the answers and clarity I seek, to understand why this happened to me, but I do hope there will be an official record about my experience as “Client A” and for the board to acknowledge there was a violation even if there’s no disciplinary action.  

His response two days later was nothing like any other message he ever sent me, it seemed more likely written by a lawyer or an HR manager. Of course there was no apology for his previous insensitive two-word rejection, rather it ended with, “I wish you the best.” ​

Ok, I really wish he would have sent that sanitized message initially instead of “I’ll pass.”

Music is Therapy: “I’LL SHUFFLE” playlist 🙂 

​The good news in all of this is that I’m finally becoming more comfortable with myself and am better at creating and respecting boundaries. As I’ve been more honest about my past experiences, I’m optimistic and hopeful for future personal growth and am grateful to have a new counselor who I trust to work with when I’m ready.

If you never watching HBO’s “In Treatment”, I’d highly recommend it. The episodes with Paul and his mentor Gina in seasons 1 and 2 and psychiatrist Adele in season 3 are great examinations of the importance of boundaries.

Related Articles

• “In Treatment”: Therapeutic Boundaries & Ethical Issues in the 2nd HBO TV Series
• In Treatment depicts a realistic end of a patient-therapist relationship
• In Treatment: Gina
• In Treatment recap: Adele proves her skill
• To Cross Or Not To Cross: Do Boundaries In Therapy Protect Or Harm?
• Is a therapist allowed to do that?
• In Treatment Is Great T.V. But Terrible Psychotherapy
  “Boundary violations” on In Treatment make it entertaining but wrong

Additional Resources

• Shame by Robert Karen
• Gaslighting your clients: Just stop!
• 5 Signs of Narcissistic Therapists (The Ultimate Covert Wolves In Sheep’s Clothing)
  1) They violate boundaries.
  2) They lack empathy for your pain and engage in victim-blaming and shaming.
  3) They join forces with your abuser in gaslighting and pathologizing you.
  4) They isolate you from outside support.
  5) They are haughty, condescending, and contemptuous.
• All The Times I Should Have Left My Terrible Therapist​

UPDATE

February 27, 2022

To Whom It May Concern: 

I am requesting a call this week to discuss Case #206870 and when there will be action. 

I have thoroughly reviewed all public documents on your website regarding closed case enforcement statistics, meetings and case decisions so I have a better understanding of your process. 

There are informal conferences on the calendar for April 21  and June 17. If my case will not be addressed at either meeting, I need to know why and when it will be. "Soon" is not an acceptable answer when it's been almost 18 months since my complaint was filed. 

As a complainant and tax-paying citizen of Virginia, I have rights and should be treated with empathy and respect. My questions stem from this process dragging on far longer than I had anticipated. My need for answers is not the cause of your backlog and I take offense to that implication (see below). I can provide further documentation if necessary. 

Thank you,

leah connor

September 7, 2020: Investigation of complaint.
November 4, 2021: “Hang in there and I hope this will have some resolution sooner rather than later.”
February 7, 2022: “Please be patient and we will be in touch with you soon.”

"We have been in consistent contact with you but we are not able to continue to answer a multitude of emails and still have time to get cases processed."  ​

writing my own lyrics to this beautiful song….

I don’t know if it’s a real person or AI on the other end of the Crisis Text Line, but these words of support (listed below) resonated with me when I felt vulnerable, powerless, and ignored by the Virginia Department of Health Professions.
​
No one should be victimized by the system after taking the personal risk to report a therapist for a potential violation.

I filed a complaint on September 7, 2020 and today it’s February 2, 2022. There’s no end in sight to my waiting for resolution.

The longer it takes the more concerned I am that if nothing comes of all this, I will lose faith in my own perceptions and my belief in justice and accountability. 

I honestly can't imagine what I will do if after all this waiting I find out that there will be no public record of my case and no action by the board. I'm genuinely terrified because I know with every day that passes, the damage intensifies. 

The worst part in all of this is the shift from feeling empowered and hopeful in May 2021 when I first went public about my experiences in a blog post to the gut-wrenching despair I’m experiencing today knowing I will never receive proper closure.

I blame myself for causing my own suffering and I regret everything. I regret filing the complaint, talking with the investigator, compiling the evidence. None of this was worth the harm that it's caused me.

I initially believed I was doing this to protect others and to have my concerns validated, but I've been tortured by the never-ending anxiety, doubts, and guilt for bothering VDHP staff with all my questions and concerns. I made a huge mistake and I need this to stop.
​
There are 300 open cases right now. I am just one of them.

From DHP on 2/7/22

If he does not renew his license in June, the board still has a year to take action against the expired license.  So, there is still time.  

1. Notification can be via email or a physical letter. 

2. At this point, the Board has not closed the matter.  I cannot provide you with information regarding the next steps until it becomes available to the public.  I hope to have more information soon. 

3. IF this matter goes to a formal hearing, you may be asked to testify.  If we get to that point, more guidance will be provided to you.

4. You will be notified of any scheduled conferences/hearings at least 30 days prior to the scheduled date. 

5. The goal is 250 days but there are circumstances in cases that prevent that goal from being met. I cannot provide more details about this specific case due to confidentiality laws.  

As I have advised, I cannot provide you with more information at this time and it is impossible to give every "what if" scenario.  As soon as I am legally able, I will provide more information.  In the meantime, please understand that the Board staff consists of me and one other person.  We have been in consistent contact with you but we are not able to continue to answer a multitude of emails and still have time to get cases processed.  Please be patient and we will be in touch with you soon.  

Thank you,
Jennifer Lang

February 27, 2022

To Whom It May Concern: 

I am requesting a call this week to discuss Case #206870 and when there will be action. 

I have thoroughly reviewed all public documents on your website regarding closed case enforcement statistics, meetings and case decisions so I have a better understanding of your process. 

There are informal conferences on the calendar for April 21  and June 17. If my case will not be addressed at either meeting, I need to know why and when it will be. "Soon" is not an acceptable answer when it's been almost 18 months since my complaint was filed. 

As a complainant and tax-paying citizen of Virginia, I have rights and should be treated with empathy and respect. My questions stem from this process dragging on far longer than I had anticipated. My need for answers is not the cause of your backlog and I take offense to that implication (see below). I can provide further documentation if necessary. 

Thank you,

leah connor

September 7, 2020: Investigation of complaint.
November 4, 2021: “Hang in there and I hope this will have some resolution sooner rather than later.”
February 7, 2022: “Please be patient and we will be in touch with you soon.”

"We have been in consistent contact with you but we are not able to continue to answer a multitude of emails and still have time to get cases processed."  ​