I’m one of those people who says “I’m sorry” so easily and so often that I regularly apologize for stuff that isn’t my fault or something that requires no apology.
That’s why I laughed so much during a recent episode of “And Just Like That…” when Charlotte wouldn’t apologize for knocking Harry over during a competitive tennis game. Things got heated when he confronted her with the number of times she says those two words, “I’m sorry,” to other people and she went off on him. Even though I do think he deserved that apology, I loved seeing her passionately explain herself. “Sorry, not sorry.”
As Ali Trachta describes in her review:“As any good marriage counselor will tell you, fights among longtime couples are rarely about the things that initiated them — this one seems to be more about mansplaining, insecurity and society’s expectation that women always apologize.”
I rarely ask for an apology, because, honestly, what’s the point. If someone doesn’t want to then it means absolutely nothing if you force it.
However, there’s one recent situation in which I’ve told multiple people many times that I deserved an apology from specifically named people and still, crickets. And that’s when I think, “Why can’t I even get the bare minimum two word forced apology?” Especially when everyone agrees mistakes were made in how a situation was handled and I deserved one.
I apologize when it’s difficult and embarrassing, when it means admitting an error or acknowledging inappropriate or unprofessional behavior. For me, accountability is absolutely necessary especially at work and in personal relationships. I am not perfect and when I screw up or do something I regret, I am compelled to “own it” and apologize even if I’m apologizing for my gut reaction to how someone’s words or actions harmed me.
At some point I should search my text messages and emails for “I’m sorry” to see how many times I’ve said it when it was actually needed because of something I did and how often I apologize to someone who’s actually done something wrong to me.
Ever since my twin sister moved in with me this summer, I’ve been more aware of how I apologize to people i care about. We both have unresolved issues with people who have hurt us and never apologized. As identical twins and best friends who live together during difficult times, we often argue and fight, but we also apologize and forgive.
Here are some great resources about how to say, “I’m sorry” both personally and professionally. And, of course, I also have a “I’m sorry” playlist. :)
You're apologizing all wrong. Here's how to say sorry the right way. (NPR)
5 Steps to a Sincere Apology
How to Craft the Perfect Work Apology
How to Apologize Sincerely and Effectively
"To find peace, sometimes you have to be willing to lose your communication with people, places, and things that create all the noise in your life."
Wed, Jul 29, 2020 at 4:38 PM
Mon, Sep 20, 2021 at 12:31 PM
"This needs to stop."
Fourteen months ago when I was in the middle of a mental health crisis and had to take FMLA in an effort to get healthy and decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I reached out to a therapist with whom I had a longstanding relationship. He replied right away and offered me an appointment in person. I struggled with what to do, but when I asked if we could meet virtually instead because of COVID-19, he responded with "I'll pass."
At the time I thought that was the most hurtful and dismissive email I could ever receive from anyone. It took courage to reach out, ask for help, and put the necessary boundaries to protect my health in my request. When I was rejected from a professional who I had a 13 year relationship with I was devastated.
It took me 40 days to write a reply and report him to the Department of Health Professionals for the unethical behavior he exhibited over the course of my "treatment." Although I spoke with an investigator on September 17, 2020 regarding DHP Case #206870, I'm still waiting for resolution.
I was on the phone with someone very important in my life when I got that email from the therapist. I burst into tears and could barely speak. He was so supportive and I will never forget that. It meant everything to me.
For the past 6 months I've been struggling with another decision, whether or not to leave the Charlottesville Track Club, an organization that I have dedicated my passion and talents to for 13 years. I won't describe in detail what lead to my choice to step away, but the people closest to me know the story.
I had already started separating myself from my CTC responsibilities and shared access to various resources I created before I received the "This has to stop." email, but to say I was gutted when I realized I no longer had the support from the person who was there for me when I was rejected from the therapist was heart-wrenching. Once again, I felt abandoned after sending an email with the subject line HELP.
I've struggled so much over the past 14 months. I have experienced the huge loss of both friends and positions that I had clung to define my identity. Even though it was incredibly painful, I feel like I'm finding peace now because finally I have my best friend, my twin sister with me to share both the burdens and pleasures of life.
Tonight we are going to our first concert together in Charlottesville. Ani DiFranco's music has been in my life since college and has gotten me through some very difficult times. I'm so grateful that I now own a home (with FRAN!) that I can welcome Malinda Ann into so we can be spinster twinsters together and create beautiful memories and art with Twins Run and A Good Group.
Listen to my latest playlist created during this difficult transition: FUNGE ME. (Yes, I'm OBSESSED with HBO's Succession!)
Date: Wed, Sep 22, 2021 at 6:03 AM
Subject: My apologies and my thanks
This will be my last message regarding my departure from the CTC, so please bear with me.
First of all, I am encouraging all of you to attend the CTC Membership Meeting on Thursday at 7pm. Join the CTC Board Elections Membership Meeting via Zoom
Secondly, I give my eternal, sincere, and heartful thanks to everyone who has called, texted, or talked with me about my struggles in making the decision to step away from the CTC. I know it's the right decision and the healthy choice for me, but it's been unbearably hard .... I only wish I left CTC before I started this new position so I wouldn't put this amazing opportunity in jeopardy.
Finally and most importantly, I am so very sorry for any discomfort, stress, or anxiety that this situation has caused anyone else. If any of you are feeling just 1/100th of the pain I am and it's because of my words or actions, I promise I will make it up to you. Please let me know how.
I am an open book. My life is on social media and my website. I am brutally and sometimes abrasively honest about my struggles with mental health, asking for help, and quitting. This has been the most difficult year of my entire life, but I have survived and I will continue to knowing I've made it this far.
February 27, 2022
To Whom It May Concern:
I am requesting a call this week to discuss Case #206870 and when there will be action.
I have thoroughly reviewed all public documents on your website regarding closed case enforcement statistics, meetings and case decisions so I have a better understanding of your process.
There are informal conferences on the calendar for April 21 and June 17. If my case will not be addressed at either meeting, I need to know why and when it will be. "Soon" is not an acceptable answer when it's been almost 18 months since my complaint was filed.
As a complainant and tax-paying citizen of Virginia, I have rights and should be treated with empathy and respect. My questions stem from this process dragging on far longer than I had anticipated. My need for answers is not the cause of your backlog and I take offense to that implication (see below). I can provide further documentation if necessary.
September 7, 2020: Investigation of complaint.
November 4, 2021: “Hang in there and I hope this will have some resolution sooner rather than later.”
February 7, 2022: “Please be patient and we will be in touch with you soon.”
"We have been in consistent contact with you but we are not able to continue to answer a multitude of emails and still have time to get cases processed."